Reasons to NOT Have Kids

One reason for every year of my life in which having a baby has NEVER crossed my mind. I’m in a small but growing minority of women who are saying “NO!” to having babies. Our reasons are many and varied. Our biological clocks are broken and our sex lives are superb. I apologize in advance to any religious/conservative/sensitive mommies but as Voltaire says, “I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it.” As we all know, you can’t argue with Voltaire. Here are my own personal reasons:

Vaginas are for pleasure, not pain

I want my fiancé all to myself. I refuse to share him.

It’s MY life. I want to focus on ME. I refuse to give up the bulk of my life to care for someone else.

I do not want to dedicate years of my life to being wrist deep in human feces.

Most mothers probably haven’t done the research, but it costs 1 million dollars to raise a kid from birth to 18 (if you plan on sending your kid to college) Ballet lessons NOT included.

Sex is one of my favourite hobbies. I refuse to have quiet “don’t want the kids to hear us” sex for the rest of my youth. Screaming orgasms it is!!!

I love myself. I’m completely fulfilled as a person. I do not have an empty space in my heart. And I'll suggest that having a baby to fill that space is probably not good idea.

I know with absolute certainty that I was NOT put on this earth to be a mother. In fact, I think most women fit into that category. True mothers are few and far between. Why do you think people are so messed up?

I like reading magazines on lazy Sunday afternoons. I like watching movies, reading books, and drawing. You know, FREE TIME.

I do not want to censor myself. I like to use colourful words like “f*ck” and especially “c*nt” and my fiancé will tell you that I talk about sex so often and explicitly it often becomes annoying to him. The day I utter the word “darn” is the day I kill myself.

I don’t like people. I especially don’t like people I can’t have intellectual conversations with.

If I did have a kid, I’d enforce a strict “no Barbie” feminist upbringing complete with veganism and trips to every art museum in the western hemisphere. Therefore, ensuring that my kid grows up to resent me and becomes a banker or a soccer mom or some other heinous thing like that.

Cats are so much better.

I like pretty things. Expensive, pretty things are incompatible with grubby little booger fingers.

I want to see the world. And if you tell me the world is in your babies eyes I’m gonna laugh in your face and then hurl. I want to see the REAL world.

Having a baby is complete narcissism. People think, “I’m so amazing, the world simply must have another one of me” and this is incorrect. You are not amazing. The last thing the world needs is another one of you. I, for example, love me but I wouldn’t wish me on my worst enemy.

Vaginal stretching/ripping/tearing. Enough said?

I love my relationship. I take my relationship with my man very seriously. Having a baby puts a tremendous strain on your relationship and changes the dynamic of a couple forever.

Strollers aren’t sexy. Lingerie is.

I don’t want to have to hide my sex toys, porn, kinky lingerie, etc.

I like alcohol. A lot. I’m not a partier but a bottle of wine with my fiancé on a Friday night is heaven. Alcohol and child rearing generally don’t mix well.

Why would you have kids!? Seriously? If you need something to love that desperately I suggest you see a therapist.

I don’t believe in “accidents.” I believe in abortion.

There you have it, my personal reasons to avoid the plague that is children. Just thinking about the decades of hot sex and solitude gives me the warm fuzzies.