I am Officially Justin Bieber's Love Guru!!!

If you'll kindly think back a few weeks, you'll remember my Justin Bieber post, in which I told Justin he should stop trying to be cool and just do what normal kids his age do... then I suggested he try to touch a girl's nipple. Not just any girl though. I told him to touch.............wait for it............Selena Gomez's nipple! AND it appears he's taken my advice because the two of them have been spotted everywhere holding hands and being cuddly! *cue millions of little girl hearts breaking*

Don't thank me or anything Justin.....

IN OTHER NEWS

I leave for NYC in less than 24 hours! I am making a pilgrimage to the Museum of Modern Art to spend some time with Frida Kahlo. I haven't talked about her in a few weeks due to Christmas craziness and such but, trust me, my love for her has only grown stronger. SO, I'l be away for a bit and probably won't post anything for a weekish.

Merry Christmas, or as Frida would say, Feliz Navidad!

My Christmas Gift to You (Happy Holidays)!

 

Is there anything better than celebs in tacky Christmas outfits? 

Yes, Taylor Hanson IS still a celebrity to me. He's also a stone cold fox, even in that ugly vest *sigh*

I'm not a Mariah fan, but she's preggers and that's adorable :-)

Even the Lord of the Douches celebrates Christmas. Dear John Mayer, all I want for christmas is for you start respecting women and stop tweeting about their vaginas.

Paul Rudd would make a sexy Rockette..... *inappropriate daydreams*

If you're not in the holiday spirit now, you better drink some rum because Christmas is only 5 days away!!!

Definitely NOT Christmas Movies

Not feeling the Christmas vibe this year? No festive spirit? I felt that way last year. Sometimes you're just not in the mood for celebrating. Sometimes the feeling that yet another year has passed and you STILL haven’t accomplished ANYTHING makes you want to cry. SO if you won’t be "laughing all the way" Jingle Bells style this year, here are some movies to watch. They have absolutely nothing to do with Christmas. Hopefully, they’ll cheer you up a little too:

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

If you’re bummed about the whole “love” thing, give this movie a chance. It’s interesting and complicated enough to keep you from thinking about your problems. The ending will make you feel positive about your past relationships. It will make you feel united with humanity and hopeful about love.

Ask yourself this question: If you could have someone erased from your memory, would you do it?

Shawshank Redemption

Feel like life has taken a giant dump on you this year? Your situation can’t be as bad as Tim Robbin’s character’s situation in this movie. Learn some perseverance. This movie will make you feel motivated again!

Ask yourself this question: if you were wrongfully sentenced to life in prison, what would you do with your time behind bars?

High Fidelity

Ah life, you saucy little bitch! It’s never what we plan. It’s never what you think it will be. Disillusioned? The big plan didn’t work out? It’s ok. If there’s one thing John Cusack teaches us, it’s that sometimes shit works out.

Ask yourself this question: What’s your top five? 

Almost Famous

Feel like a dork? Are you a small fish in a big pond? Watch as someone else goes through it, but with uber cool rock stars judging him instead of office drones or classmates. Learn the value of your dorkiness. Learn that sometimes to be cool you have to sacrifice your soul.

Ask yourself this question: if you had to write an article for Rolling Stone, who would you go on tour with and would you make them look cool?

Amelie

Lonely? Feel like maybe there isn’t somebody out there for everybody? Amelie is whimsical and funny with some bite. Plus, reading subtitles will distract your mind from problems. This film will teach you about small acts of kindness. It will also make you realize how intricately your life is woven with the lives of total strangers.

Ask yourself this question: who’s life could you improve? Your barista at the café? The waitress? The homeless guy on the corner? 

Christmas Songs that Aren't Annoying!!!

I'm continuing the Christmas theme I've had going lately. Only 11 more days!

“Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)”

I like the Death Cab for Cutie version. It’s a mellow version, more melancholy and less hyperactive. The Mariah Carey take on this song is probably the most popular. It’s a little too happy for me…

Best Lyric: Pretty lights on the tree, I’m watching them shine. You should be here with me. Baby please come home.

“The River”

Joni Mitchell is a goddess. This song is a classic any time of the year. It’s a melancholy, wistful song. Who hasn’t wished there was a river they could skate away on? Especially this time of year. Christmas isn’t happy for everyone and this song will help you make it through.

Best Lyric: I'm going to make a lot of money, then I'm going to quit this crazy scene.

“Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas”

Listen to the Judy Garland version. ONLY the Judy Garland version. She has the superhuman ability to sound both strong and fragile when she sings. Listen to the lyrics and you’ll find this isn’t a happy song. It’s a song about getting through a hard time and looking forward to future happiness.

Best Lyric: Through the year we all will be together, if the Fates allow.

All these songs are complex. They’re lyrically interesting, at least more so than “Jingle Bells.” Emotionally they’re not your typical sugar encrusted carols. It’s hard to sustain a delusional sugar high for the whole of the Christmas season. It’s ok to want to choke someone with a candy cane. Please refrain from doing so, but it’s ok to FEEL like it. So have fun listening to Christmas songs about real people, dealing with real emotions.

Holiday Cocktails!!!

Is it wrong to buy liquor according to what little bottle comes attached to the big bottle? Nothing says Christmas like free stuff with your alcohol. If you’re trying to stretch a buck or you’re too lazy to put together a varied bar menu, here is a tip for holiday cocktails:

 Just buy one bottle.

Pick something. Anything. I suggest spiced rum. One bottle of spiced rum can make three different festive cocktails:

Rum and eggnog

Rum and cranberry ginger ale

Rum and apple cider (mulled or not)

If you want to get fancy, you can also buy some Baileys and add to your menu:

Baileys and coffee

Baileys and hot chocolate

Baileys on ice (blended or not)

Easy. Done. Add whipped cream. Everything’s better with whipped cream…

My Favourite Christmas Movies!!!!!!!

 Love Actually

It’s so sweet and optimistic. I’m a pretty hopeless pessimist and “Love Actually” makes even me optimistic.

The Family Stone

This is the family I’ve always wanted. Everyone is liberal, opinionated, quirky, and dysfunctional. Plus, SJP is awesome. And Luke Wilson melts my heart.

Home Alone

This is the classic from my childhood. It’s cringe worthy and festive all at the same time.

White Christmas

The most classic of all the classics, this movie has all the best songs, including “I’m Dreaming of a White Christmas” (obviously) and “Count Your Blessings.” Nothing says ‘Merry Christmas’ like Rosemary Clooney and Vera-Ellen in matching Mrs. Claus outfits.

The Holiday

The little cottage Kate Winslet’s character lives in is pretty much my dream home. Jack Black is sweet and adorable. Cameron Diaz actually doesn’t make me want to vomit until I pass out FOR ONCE. It takes place in the festive English countryside and also in sunny L.A. The best of both worlds.

Scrooged

Bill Murray awesomeness is available in Christmas format! It’s the best spoof of A Christmas Carol ever. It’s nice to watch something a little edgy after being bombarded with the sappiness that is EVERY OTHER CHRISTMAS MOVIE.

The Santa Clause

This movie came out when I was at the perfect age to appreciate it. It’s such an awesome concept. Plus, it’s like the only holiday movie that children of divorce (*ahem* me and almost everybody else) can relate to. A modern family Christmas story.

Part 2 of Un-Christmas Christmas Movies!

Moonstruck

One of my all time favorite movies EVER. I love Cher more than anything. This film takes place in NYC during the holiday season. Cher won a Best Actress Academy Award for her portrayal of Loretta. The movie is awesome and has one of the best lines in cinema history: Snap out of it!!!

Uncle Buck

John Candy in all his glory! It’s a great John Hughes film and takes place during the winter. Think of it as an alternative to watching one of the Home Alone movies for the millionth time.

Sleepless in Seattle

I’m a sucker for those 1980’s and 1990’s romantic comedies, especially if they have Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks. Plus, Nora Ephron is one of my favorite writers. This film begins on Christmas Eve with Meg Ryan hearing Tom Hanks on a radio show while she drives to a holiday party/dinner.

When Harry Met Sally

Your second serving of Nora Ephron, this film has a few holiday scenes and its emotional ending happens on New Years Eve. You should watch it anyways, regardless of Christmas.

You’ve Got Mail

Your third serving of Ms. Ephron, because the holidays are a perfect fit for her particular brand of cinematic genius. Many Thanksgiving and Christmas scenes in New York City, one of the best places to be during the holidays.

Sex and the City: The Movie

The film spans a whole year, but many scenes take place during the holidays, particularly New Year’s Eve. Make sure you’re watching the first movie NOT the second one. The second sequel is horrible and if it weren’t for the pretty clothes, I would have gouged out my eyeballs with a sharp-cornered popcorn kernel. On a more positive note, the last few episodes of the series Sex and the City, take place during winter in NYC and definitely have a holiday feel, check those out as well, particularly the episode “Splat!” It’s one of my faves.

So there are some alternatives to watching White Christmas, although I love me some Rosemary Clooney. Watch these movies with lots of rum and eggnog, or mulled wine, or Baileys and hot chocolate, or cranberry ginger ale and vodka… do you see the theme here???

Un-Christmas Christmas Movies!

Are you as bored with Christmas movies as I am? Stop forcing yourself to stomach another viewing of “It’s a Wonderful Life.” James Stewart makes me wanna stick my head in the oven with the gingerbread cookies. SO listen up! Here is a list of movies that aren’t Christmas films but still FEEL like Christmas films:

Batman Returns

This one is the Tim Burton film from1992 featuring Michael Keaton. It’s my favorite Batman movie and it just happens to take place during the Christmas season. Enjoy Michelle Pfeiffer in a cat suit as an added bonus… isn’t she one of the 12 Days of Christmas???

Bridget Jones’s Diary

This film is full off quirky British humor and much of it takes place during the holidays.  Look for the ugly Christmas sweaters… especially take note of how hot Colin Firth looks in them.

Edward Scissorhands

Another Tim Burton film featuring Johnny Depp, of course. The ending takes place during Christmas. It has a very fairy tale, Beauty and the Beast kind of feel. Perfect for the holidays.

Beauty and the Beast and BATB: The Enchanted Christmas

The first is a childhood classic, made during the heyday of Disney animation. It is the only animated film to ever be nominated for a Best Picture Oscar. Many of the scenes take place during winter, with beautiful snowscapes and a Christmasy feel. The Enchanted Christmas, is a sequel that has a storyline centered on Christmas. It’s not as good as the original, but it amplifies the holiday feel of Beauty and the Beast.

Tune in tomorrow for Part 2…

Christmas is Upon Us!!!

Here's a list of awesome Christmas shows/specials. These are my personal favourites, and they aren't on more typical lists of time-honoured Christmas stories...

1. How I Met Your Mother, Season 2, "How Lily Stole Christmas"
It's one of the best episodes EVER, regardless of the Christmas content. I don't even need to tell you what the episode is about, I'll just throw descriptive words your way: winter wonderland, sinfully cinnamon cookies, easy bake oven, Rudolph, beer, jesus freaks... I could go on. NOw go download it on itunes or just buy Season 2. This episode and the "Slap Bet" episode are worth the price of the dvds.

2. South Park Christmas Episodes
Take your pick of eight Christmas themed episodes from various seasons. Whether you're a Mr. Hankey fan or you delight in satanic woodland creatures, all of these episodes are gold.

3. My So-Called Life, "So-Called Angels"
It's one of the sappier episodes of this incredible show from 1994. Check it out if you want to see Claire Danes and Jared Leto before they were famous. My So-Called Life was ground breaking, it was the first show to depict teenage life realistically. It also featured the first re-occuring gay character in television history; Wilson Cruz plays Ricky, the angel-faced embodiment of kindness and love. Check it out!

4. The Simpsons Christmas Episodes
There have been ten Christmas episodes over this show's many seasons. In fact, the very first episode was a Christmas special in 1989. Check out the other ones, including "Skinner's Sense of Snow" and this year's "The Fight Before Christmas."

5. The O.C., "Have a Very Merry Chrismukkah"
This episode is awesome and I don't care what anybody says! The O.C. had it's moments. I particularly liked Sprinkles the rabbit. This episode, featuring Seth's holiday combo of Christmas and Hanukkah, has everything I loved about this series and nothing that I don't. 


So there ya go. Instead of watching a claymation Rudolph for the 473rd time, look up these episodes and have a more off-beat Christmas this year.  

   

Twenty-Something Anxiety...

           I often feel anxious. I’m plagued by worrisome questions like:

           What am I doing with my life? Why do I have to be good at something (the arts) that I have virtually no chance at making a career out of? Why can’t I just love dentistry? Or accounting? Or waiting tables? Why am I so weird?

            Then I tell myself that I’m 23. This entire decade of my life is about false starts and trails and error. That doesn’t make the sting of failure go away, but it is comforting. It’s a feeling of “I’m struggling, but so is everyone else, therefore, I must be exactly where I’m supposed to be.”

            I know so many people who aren’t doing what they thought they were going to do. They tried a career and it didn’t fit them right. They can’t find work in this economy. They’re just generally in a perpetual state of “I don’t know” or “I can’t decide.” But I always tell them (and myself) that there’s no shame in backing out. There’s no shame is saying “no thanks” and getting the hell out of there. There’s no shame in running in the exact opposite direction of what you told yourself you wanted. It’s as simple as saying “this isn’t what I thought it would be.”

After all, life often gives us exactly what we ask for, just to show us that it’s not what we really want. 

  

Why Pausing DVD’s Makes Me Feel Guilty

           

           I often feel guilty when I pause a dvd. “Why?” you ask. Well… have you ever noticed that when you press ‘pause’, the actor onscreen is inevitably frozen into some kind of weird facial expression? Like, their mouth is gaped open mid-word and one eye is closed and the other one is kinda half open and they vaguely resemble some kind of zombie? I ALWAYS feel bad. Why? Because I’m unbelievably neurotic and probably need to see a therapist, but also because those poor actors went through hours of makeup and wardrobe tests only to have their looks ruined by a rogue freeze-frame.

Nowhere is this more evident than when I watch Sex and the City dvds. I always freeze an episode to pee or fuel my Diet Coke addiction, and poor little SJP (that’s Sarah Jessica Parker to those of you unschooled in SATC shorthand) is always frozen into some kind of morbid pose. I always think, “ooooh, sorry SJP, that’s really not an attractive look for you.”

           

Anyone else feel the same? Just me?

 *crickets*

The Great Gaga-Swift Debacle

I think it’s fair to say that music lovers can be divided into Team Gaga and Team Swift. Not that they’re in direct competition, but there’s a huge division between them. The difference can only be described in an art metaphor: Lady Gaga is the Andy Warhol of music. Taylor Swift is the Frida Kahlo of music.

Gaga is good idea, in theory. She’s unique. She’s artistic. She’s avant-garde. She’s like Andy Warhol’s soup cans. You look at them and say to yourself, “Interesting. That’s a new concept.” But you don’t cry over it. You don’t feel an ache in your heart. It doesn’t remind you of the guy you loved in high school who didn’t love you back.

 It doesn’t remind you of ANYTHING. You look at that silkscreen soup can for all of 30 seconds and then go looking for some BRUSHSTROKES. You want to see a painting that has evidence of human connection. You want to see that little signature in the corner. You want something (music or art or whatever) that means something. You don’t listen to Gaga songs going, “P…p…p…poker face” and know what the fuck she’s talking about. It’s not like, “Oh, I see you’re ‘bluffin’ with your muffin.’ I know how that feels. My muff bluffs all the time.”

Not that she’s terrible, I love me some Gaga, but she’s just kind of an empty shell. She’s fun. But she’s unreliable. I can’t go to her with serious problems. I can’t seek out her wisdom when my boyfriend dumps me, or I loose my job, or somebody dies. All she has to offer me is advice like, “I want your leather studded kiss in the sand” or “I’m just stunnin’ with my love glue-gunnin’” and that really doesn’t help me.

Taylor Swift, despite the cheesy princess-themed music videos, has great advice. She’s like Frida Kahlo. All the love and pain and tears go right into her art. Did your boyfriend dump you? That’s ok, just call him up and scream “I’ll be shining like fireworks over your sad empty town” into the phone. If you need a good cry over your lost childhood and innocence, or a lost parent, try listening to “Never Grow Up.” If you don’t cry, you officially don’t have a soul. Know any teenage girls who need to realize that high school is nothing but the blink of an eye? Taylor will remind them that “in your life you'll do things greater than dating the boy of the football team.” She’s awesome. She’s helpful. She’s dorky. And I appreciate the dorkiness. It’s honest. It’s a hell of a lot more honest than a Kermit the Frog dress. Taylor Swift might not be the cutting-edge of cool, but she’s got integrity, and I respect that more than an outfit made of bacon. People are too preoccupied with whatever they’re told to think is “cool.” Cool is boring. Cool is fake. Besides, did high school teach you nothing? “Cool” is just another word for “asshole.” 

I should know. I’m the coolest person alive.