I am Officially Justin Bieber's Love Guru!!!

If you'll kindly think back a few weeks, you'll remember my Justin Bieber post, in which I told Justin he should stop trying to be cool and just do what normal kids his age do... then I suggested he try to touch a girl's nipple. Not just any girl though. I told him to touch.............wait for it............Selena Gomez's nipple! AND it appears he's taken my advice because the two of them have been spotted everywhere holding hands and being cuddly! *cue millions of little girl hearts breaking*

Don't thank me or anything Justin.....

IN OTHER NEWS

I leave for NYC in less than 24 hours! I am making a pilgrimage to the Museum of Modern Art to spend some time with Frida Kahlo. I haven't talked about her in a few weeks due to Christmas craziness and such but, trust me, my love for her has only grown stronger. SO, I'l be away for a bit and probably won't post anything for a weekish.

Merry Christmas, or as Frida would say, Feliz Navidad!

My Christmas Gift to You (Happy Holidays)!

 

Is there anything better than celebs in tacky Christmas outfits? 

Yes, Taylor Hanson IS still a celebrity to me. He's also a stone cold fox, even in that ugly vest *sigh*

I'm not a Mariah fan, but she's preggers and that's adorable :-)

Even the Lord of the Douches celebrates Christmas. Dear John Mayer, all I want for christmas is for you start respecting women and stop tweeting about their vaginas.

Paul Rudd would make a sexy Rockette..... *inappropriate daydreams*

If you're not in the holiday spirit now, you better drink some rum because Christmas is only 5 days away!!!

Definitely NOT Christmas Movies

Not feeling the Christmas vibe this year? No festive spirit? I felt that way last year. Sometimes you're just not in the mood for celebrating. Sometimes the feeling that yet another year has passed and you STILL haven’t accomplished ANYTHING makes you want to cry. SO if you won’t be "laughing all the way" Jingle Bells style this year, here are some movies to watch. They have absolutely nothing to do with Christmas. Hopefully, they’ll cheer you up a little too:

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

If you’re bummed about the whole “love” thing, give this movie a chance. It’s interesting and complicated enough to keep you from thinking about your problems. The ending will make you feel positive about your past relationships. It will make you feel united with humanity and hopeful about love.

Ask yourself this question: If you could have someone erased from your memory, would you do it?

Shawshank Redemption

Feel like life has taken a giant dump on you this year? Your situation can’t be as bad as Tim Robbin’s character’s situation in this movie. Learn some perseverance. This movie will make you feel motivated again!

Ask yourself this question: if you were wrongfully sentenced to life in prison, what would you do with your time behind bars?

High Fidelity

Ah life, you saucy little bitch! It’s never what we plan. It’s never what you think it will be. Disillusioned? The big plan didn’t work out? It’s ok. If there’s one thing John Cusack teaches us, it’s that sometimes shit works out.

Ask yourself this question: What’s your top five? 

Almost Famous

Feel like a dork? Are you a small fish in a big pond? Watch as someone else goes through it, but with uber cool rock stars judging him instead of office drones or classmates. Learn the value of your dorkiness. Learn that sometimes to be cool you have to sacrifice your soul.

Ask yourself this question: if you had to write an article for Rolling Stone, who would you go on tour with and would you make them look cool?

Amelie

Lonely? Feel like maybe there isn’t somebody out there for everybody? Amelie is whimsical and funny with some bite. Plus, reading subtitles will distract your mind from problems. This film will teach you about small acts of kindness. It will also make you realize how intricately your life is woven with the lives of total strangers.

Ask yourself this question: who’s life could you improve? Your barista at the café? The waitress? The homeless guy on the corner? 

Christmas Songs that Aren't Annoying!!!

I'm continuing the Christmas theme I've had going lately. Only 11 more days!

“Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)”

I like the Death Cab for Cutie version. It’s a mellow version, more melancholy and less hyperactive. The Mariah Carey take on this song is probably the most popular. It’s a little too happy for me…

Best Lyric: Pretty lights on the tree, I’m watching them shine. You should be here with me. Baby please come home.

“The River”

Joni Mitchell is a goddess. This song is a classic any time of the year. It’s a melancholy, wistful song. Who hasn’t wished there was a river they could skate away on? Especially this time of year. Christmas isn’t happy for everyone and this song will help you make it through.

Best Lyric: I'm going to make a lot of money, then I'm going to quit this crazy scene.

“Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas”

Listen to the Judy Garland version. ONLY the Judy Garland version. She has the superhuman ability to sound both strong and fragile when she sings. Listen to the lyrics and you’ll find this isn’t a happy song. It’s a song about getting through a hard time and looking forward to future happiness.

Best Lyric: Through the year we all will be together, if the Fates allow.

All these songs are complex. They’re lyrically interesting, at least more so than “Jingle Bells.” Emotionally they’re not your typical sugar encrusted carols. It’s hard to sustain a delusional sugar high for the whole of the Christmas season. It’s ok to want to choke someone with a candy cane. Please refrain from doing so, but it’s ok to FEEL like it. So have fun listening to Christmas songs about real people, dealing with real emotions.

Holiday Cocktails!!!

Is it wrong to buy liquor according to what little bottle comes attached to the big bottle? Nothing says Christmas like free stuff with your alcohol. If you’re trying to stretch a buck or you’re too lazy to put together a varied bar menu, here is a tip for holiday cocktails:

 Just buy one bottle.

Pick something. Anything. I suggest spiced rum. One bottle of spiced rum can make three different festive cocktails:

Rum and eggnog

Rum and cranberry ginger ale

Rum and apple cider (mulled or not)

If you want to get fancy, you can also buy some Baileys and add to your menu:

Baileys and coffee

Baileys and hot chocolate

Baileys on ice (blended or not)

Easy. Done. Add whipped cream. Everything’s better with whipped cream…

My Favourite Christmas Movies!!!!!!!

 Love Actually

It’s so sweet and optimistic. I’m a pretty hopeless pessimist and “Love Actually” makes even me optimistic.

The Family Stone

This is the family I’ve always wanted. Everyone is liberal, opinionated, quirky, and dysfunctional. Plus, SJP is awesome. And Luke Wilson melts my heart.

Home Alone

This is the classic from my childhood. It’s cringe worthy and festive all at the same time.

White Christmas

The most classic of all the classics, this movie has all the best songs, including “I’m Dreaming of a White Christmas” (obviously) and “Count Your Blessings.” Nothing says ‘Merry Christmas’ like Rosemary Clooney and Vera-Ellen in matching Mrs. Claus outfits.

The Holiday

The little cottage Kate Winslet’s character lives in is pretty much my dream home. Jack Black is sweet and adorable. Cameron Diaz actually doesn’t make me want to vomit until I pass out FOR ONCE. It takes place in the festive English countryside and also in sunny L.A. The best of both worlds.

Scrooged

Bill Murray awesomeness is available in Christmas format! It’s the best spoof of A Christmas Carol ever. It’s nice to watch something a little edgy after being bombarded with the sappiness that is EVERY OTHER CHRISTMAS MOVIE.

The Santa Clause

This movie came out when I was at the perfect age to appreciate it. It’s such an awesome concept. Plus, it’s like the only holiday movie that children of divorce (*ahem* me and almost everybody else) can relate to. A modern family Christmas story.

Part 2 of Un-Christmas Christmas Movies!

Moonstruck

One of my all time favorite movies EVER. I love Cher more than anything. This film takes place in NYC during the holiday season. Cher won a Best Actress Academy Award for her portrayal of Loretta. The movie is awesome and has one of the best lines in cinema history: Snap out of it!!!

Uncle Buck

John Candy in all his glory! It’s a great John Hughes film and takes place during the winter. Think of it as an alternative to watching one of the Home Alone movies for the millionth time.

Sleepless in Seattle

I’m a sucker for those 1980’s and 1990’s romantic comedies, especially if they have Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks. Plus, Nora Ephron is one of my favorite writers. This film begins on Christmas Eve with Meg Ryan hearing Tom Hanks on a radio show while she drives to a holiday party/dinner.

When Harry Met Sally

Your second serving of Nora Ephron, this film has a few holiday scenes and its emotional ending happens on New Years Eve. You should watch it anyways, regardless of Christmas.

You’ve Got Mail

Your third serving of Ms. Ephron, because the holidays are a perfect fit for her particular brand of cinematic genius. Many Thanksgiving and Christmas scenes in New York City, one of the best places to be during the holidays.

Sex and the City: The Movie

The film spans a whole year, but many scenes take place during the holidays, particularly New Year’s Eve. Make sure you’re watching the first movie NOT the second one. The second sequel is horrible and if it weren’t for the pretty clothes, I would have gouged out my eyeballs with a sharp-cornered popcorn kernel. On a more positive note, the last few episodes of the series Sex and the City, take place during winter in NYC and definitely have a holiday feel, check those out as well, particularly the episode “Splat!” It’s one of my faves.

So there are some alternatives to watching White Christmas, although I love me some Rosemary Clooney. Watch these movies with lots of rum and eggnog, or mulled wine, or Baileys and hot chocolate, or cranberry ginger ale and vodka… do you see the theme here???

Un-Christmas Christmas Movies!

Are you as bored with Christmas movies as I am? Stop forcing yourself to stomach another viewing of “It’s a Wonderful Life.” James Stewart makes me wanna stick my head in the oven with the gingerbread cookies. SO listen up! Here is a list of movies that aren’t Christmas films but still FEEL like Christmas films:

Batman Returns

This one is the Tim Burton film from1992 featuring Michael Keaton. It’s my favorite Batman movie and it just happens to take place during the Christmas season. Enjoy Michelle Pfeiffer in a cat suit as an added bonus… isn’t she one of the 12 Days of Christmas???

Bridget Jones’s Diary

This film is full off quirky British humor and much of it takes place during the holidays.  Look for the ugly Christmas sweaters… especially take note of how hot Colin Firth looks in them.

Edward Scissorhands

Another Tim Burton film featuring Johnny Depp, of course. The ending takes place during Christmas. It has a very fairy tale, Beauty and the Beast kind of feel. Perfect for the holidays.

Beauty and the Beast and BATB: The Enchanted Christmas

The first is a childhood classic, made during the heyday of Disney animation. It is the only animated film to ever be nominated for a Best Picture Oscar. Many of the scenes take place during winter, with beautiful snowscapes and a Christmasy feel. The Enchanted Christmas, is a sequel that has a storyline centered on Christmas. It’s not as good as the original, but it amplifies the holiday feel of Beauty and the Beast.

Tune in tomorrow for Part 2…

Christmas is Upon Us!!!

Here's a list of awesome Christmas shows/specials. These are my personal favourites, and they aren't on more typical lists of time-honoured Christmas stories...

1. How I Met Your Mother, Season 2, "How Lily Stole Christmas"
It's one of the best episodes EVER, regardless of the Christmas content. I don't even need to tell you what the episode is about, I'll just throw descriptive words your way: winter wonderland, sinfully cinnamon cookies, easy bake oven, Rudolph, beer, jesus freaks... I could go on. NOw go download it on itunes or just buy Season 2. This episode and the "Slap Bet" episode are worth the price of the dvds.

2. South Park Christmas Episodes
Take your pick of eight Christmas themed episodes from various seasons. Whether you're a Mr. Hankey fan or you delight in satanic woodland creatures, all of these episodes are gold.

3. My So-Called Life, "So-Called Angels"
It's one of the sappier episodes of this incredible show from 1994. Check it out if you want to see Claire Danes and Jared Leto before they were famous. My So-Called Life was ground breaking, it was the first show to depict teenage life realistically. It also featured the first re-occuring gay character in television history; Wilson Cruz plays Ricky, the angel-faced embodiment of kindness and love. Check it out!

4. The Simpsons Christmas Episodes
There have been ten Christmas episodes over this show's many seasons. In fact, the very first episode was a Christmas special in 1989. Check out the other ones, including "Skinner's Sense of Snow" and this year's "The Fight Before Christmas."

5. The O.C., "Have a Very Merry Chrismukkah"
This episode is awesome and I don't care what anybody says! The O.C. had it's moments. I particularly liked Sprinkles the rabbit. This episode, featuring Seth's holiday combo of Christmas and Hanukkah, has everything I loved about this series and nothing that I don't. 


So there ya go. Instead of watching a claymation Rudolph for the 473rd time, look up these episodes and have a more off-beat Christmas this year.  

   

Twenty-Something Anxiety...

           I often feel anxious. I’m plagued by worrisome questions like:

           What am I doing with my life? Why do I have to be good at something (the arts) that I have virtually no chance at making a career out of? Why can’t I just love dentistry? Or accounting? Or waiting tables? Why am I so weird?

            Then I tell myself that I’m 23. This entire decade of my life is about false starts and trails and error. That doesn’t make the sting of failure go away, but it is comforting. It’s a feeling of “I’m struggling, but so is everyone else, therefore, I must be exactly where I’m supposed to be.”

            I know so many people who aren’t doing what they thought they were going to do. They tried a career and it didn’t fit them right. They can’t find work in this economy. They’re just generally in a perpetual state of “I don’t know” or “I can’t decide.” But I always tell them (and myself) that there’s no shame in backing out. There’s no shame is saying “no thanks” and getting the hell out of there. There’s no shame in running in the exact opposite direction of what you told yourself you wanted. It’s as simple as saying “this isn’t what I thought it would be.”

After all, life often gives us exactly what we ask for, just to show us that it’s not what we really want. 

  

Why Pausing DVD’s Makes Me Feel Guilty

           

           I often feel guilty when I pause a dvd. “Why?” you ask. Well… have you ever noticed that when you press ‘pause’, the actor onscreen is inevitably frozen into some kind of weird facial expression? Like, their mouth is gaped open mid-word and one eye is closed and the other one is kinda half open and they vaguely resemble some kind of zombie? I ALWAYS feel bad. Why? Because I’m unbelievably neurotic and probably need to see a therapist, but also because those poor actors went through hours of makeup and wardrobe tests only to have their looks ruined by a rogue freeze-frame.

Nowhere is this more evident than when I watch Sex and the City dvds. I always freeze an episode to pee or fuel my Diet Coke addiction, and poor little SJP (that’s Sarah Jessica Parker to those of you unschooled in SATC shorthand) is always frozen into some kind of morbid pose. I always think, “ooooh, sorry SJP, that’s really not an attractive look for you.”

           

Anyone else feel the same? Just me?

 *crickets*

The Great Gaga-Swift Debacle

I think it’s fair to say that music lovers can be divided into Team Gaga and Team Swift. Not that they’re in direct competition, but there’s a huge division between them. The difference can only be described in an art metaphor: Lady Gaga is the Andy Warhol of music. Taylor Swift is the Frida Kahlo of music.

Gaga is good idea, in theory. She’s unique. She’s artistic. She’s avant-garde. She’s like Andy Warhol’s soup cans. You look at them and say to yourself, “Interesting. That’s a new concept.” But you don’t cry over it. You don’t feel an ache in your heart. It doesn’t remind you of the guy you loved in high school who didn’t love you back.

 It doesn’t remind you of ANYTHING. You look at that silkscreen soup can for all of 30 seconds and then go looking for some BRUSHSTROKES. You want to see a painting that has evidence of human connection. You want to see that little signature in the corner. You want something (music or art or whatever) that means something. You don’t listen to Gaga songs going, “P…p…p…poker face” and know what the fuck she’s talking about. It’s not like, “Oh, I see you’re ‘bluffin’ with your muffin.’ I know how that feels. My muff bluffs all the time.”

Not that she’s terrible, I love me some Gaga, but she’s just kind of an empty shell. She’s fun. But she’s unreliable. I can’t go to her with serious problems. I can’t seek out her wisdom when my boyfriend dumps me, or I loose my job, or somebody dies. All she has to offer me is advice like, “I want your leather studded kiss in the sand” or “I’m just stunnin’ with my love glue-gunnin’” and that really doesn’t help me.

Taylor Swift, despite the cheesy princess-themed music videos, has great advice. She’s like Frida Kahlo. All the love and pain and tears go right into her art. Did your boyfriend dump you? That’s ok, just call him up and scream “I’ll be shining like fireworks over your sad empty town” into the phone. If you need a good cry over your lost childhood and innocence, or a lost parent, try listening to “Never Grow Up.” If you don’t cry, you officially don’t have a soul. Know any teenage girls who need to realize that high school is nothing but the blink of an eye? Taylor will remind them that “in your life you'll do things greater than dating the boy of the football team.” She’s awesome. She’s helpful. She’s dorky. And I appreciate the dorkiness. It’s honest. It’s a hell of a lot more honest than a Kermit the Frog dress. Taylor Swift might not be the cutting-edge of cool, but she’s got integrity, and I respect that more than an outfit made of bacon. People are too preoccupied with whatever they’re told to think is “cool.” Cool is boring. Cool is fake. Besides, did high school teach you nothing? “Cool” is just another word for “asshole.” 

I should know. I’m the coolest person alive.
  

Senoir Balthazar Pamplemousse!!!

I’ve been begging my boyfriend to let me buy a Pomeranian. They’re adorable.

Evidence:

They’re especially adorable when they get all mean and growly because it’s like, “Awwww! You just think you’re so big and scary but you have fluffy ‘tocks and tiny little paw pads!”

             Evidence:

His name will be Senoir Balthazar Pamplemousse. I plan on calling him Moo for short.

Monopoly is EVIL!!!!

Monopoly is Evil!

I HATE the board game Monopoly. I can’t understand why people enjoy playing this godforsaken game. It’s the epitome of everything I hate in life: money, greed, dishonesty, and especially basic math. Ew.

I’m one of those rare people who just generally dislikes games. I couldn’t care less about sports. There’s not a competitive bone in my body. Board games are repetitive and boring. Any kind of party game where I have to dance, be blindfolded, or spin around is simply not going to happen.

There are some exceptions to this rule. I fully embrace drinking games. I loooove trivia. I watch Jeopardy EVERY night. But that’s about it.

Games just seem like a waste of time. Why play a board game when you could, I dunno, have an authentic intellectual conversation?! As much as I love shouting “Sorry!” or “Jenga!” at the top of my lungs (I so totally DON’T), I would rather hear someone talk about their passions or their fears or what they ate for breakfast last Tuesday. Fuck “Family Game Night”! How about we have a “Family Actually has a Meaningful F-ing Conversation Night” instead?

End Rant.

But if you'd like to purchase said evil board game:

   

Ken Dolls...Pffffft!

           I like people who look like old houses. People with creaky floors, layers of paint, and weird 1970’s wallpaper; people with character. I’d gladly take Sarah Jessica Parker’s nose or Keith Richard’s wrinkles. I’d love nothing more than Frida’s unibrow or Anne Boleyn’s rumored sixth finger. Scars, tattoos, stretch marks, crooked noses, weird toenails… all so much more attractive than the media would have us think. I mean, if people actually thought the whole bulimic, orange-skinned, bleach blond look was attractive, the Barbie people would have made Tanorexic Ken by now. Have they? Nope. They did, however, make Beach Glam Ken and also some monstrosity called Hottie Ken.

           Thank-you toy gods. 

  

I have officially finished all 500 pages of the Hayden Herrera biography!!! It was an epic book. Her research was detailed and expansive. I’m pretty sure she interviewed anyone who ever smelled, tasted, heard, touched or saw Frida Kahlo. She even got her paws on personal photos and love letters.

Pretty much the second I put down Frida, I picked up the next book in my pile, Finding Frida Kahlo, which is about the very controversial stash of Frida belongings found a couple years ago. These newly discovered trunks and suitcases were full of personal documents, diaries, clothing, and art that appear to have belonged to Frida Kahlo. This has not been authenticated. Most people believe it’s a total fraud. I wanted to see for myself, being the amateur Frida scholar that I am, so I went through page after page of glossy photographs and descriptions of the items until I came to a conclusion:

They’re a complete and total fraud.

The signatures are all wrong. Every item in this stash is signed “F.K.” or “Frida K.” and I mean EVERYTHING, even recipes and doodles. It doesn’t make sense that she would have signed things like a list of ingredients for stew or random doodles of monkeys. Plus, Real Frida (as she shall henceforth be known) signed her name differently depending on whom she was writing to, and it was usually a nickname or even just lip prints. Why then, would she sign every letter and piece of artwork “F.K.”??? In addition to this Real Frida meticulously dated all of her letters, not only the year but the month and the day as well. She was very organized. Conveniently, none of the letters or documents are dated.

What’s really interesting though is a bunch of sexual drawings and descriptions of her sexual affairs with women. These are totally faked. Real Frida loved sex, but she NEVER spoke of her own sex life. In addition her bisexuality was never an issue. Diego preferred her to have affairs with women. Her affairs with other men made him furious.

Even more annoying are the hundreds of letters and diary entries calling Diego names and depicting him as a pretty ruthless monster. This is also completely false. Real Frida loved Diego. One of the most compelling things about their relationship is that they were both deeply flawed people who loved each other not in spite of, but because of those flaws. Frida knew that she always came second to his art and that she usually came second to his womanizing. She also knew that her love for him transcended the pain he caused her.

Clearly, whoever forged all these documents wanted to stir up the Real Frida mythology. They wanted to shock the public. They wanted to create a new person, one that was angry and hopeless and pathetic. These are things that could never describe Real Frida. She was sexual, vibrant, funny, graceful, and a belligerent drug addict in her last days.

I did some research online to find out what other people were saying about this new discovery. This article appeared in the NY Times and it pretty much validates my opinion:

 http://www.nytimes.com/2009/09/29/arts/design/29frida.html?_r=1&ref=frida_kahlo

What's the Opposite of Bieber Fever?

Dear Justin Bieber,

Lately, you may have noticed that your body is going through some changes. There is hair where there was no hair before. Your voice is finally sounding like that of a man instead of a dying baby dolphin on helium. Congratulations. You have entered puberty. I’m here to help you. I’ll give you the answers that Rex, your roadie and ex-Hell’s Angel, just can’t provide. I’ll tell you the truth, unlike your agent, who’s really just a whoremonger of “cool.” He can’t pretend to care as well as I can.

Firstly, you’re not cool. Don’t take it personally. Nobody going through puberty is cool. It’s impossible. I say, embrace the awkwardness. Learn to love your gangly limbs and cracking voice. Let your freak flag fly. Do what other boys going through puberty do: get braces, embark on a futile quest to grow a mustache, pop some zits. You have my permission.

It must be exhausting to be cool all the time. Why don’t you take a day off and, I don’t know, try to touch a girl’s nipple or something. What about Selena Gomez? She has a cherubic face and a charming personality. I’m sure her nipples are lovely.

CUTEITARIANISM!!!!!!

I was a vegetarian for a little over a year. My reasons for going veggie were numerous, but mostly it was because I have a great deal of love and empathy for animals. I was already avoiding products made by companies who used animal testing. I was well educated in the ways of PETA, with their lists of charities, companies, products, and foods that are cruelty-free. So, I embarked on a year of meatless eating. It went well, but I have to admit, I missed meat.

 I also grew up down the road from the middle of nowhere.  I lived out in the country, surrounded by farms. I had many friends whose parents made a living raising and butchering animals. I’m not like those big-city hipsters who have never been to an actual farm. I know where the little wrapped packages of supermarket meat come from. I’m also not an idealist. I generally hope for the best and plan for the worst. I figure idealism is for sheltered hippy-snobs who have never experienced the real world. You know, the world that isn’t financed by daddy’s credit cards. Plus, I didn’t want to be that pretentious asshole constantly saying “I don’t eat meat” and insisting on a vegetarian option at a steakhouse or a greasy spoon or my friend’s mom’s house.

My point is that, realistically, cows aren’t native to Canada. Chickens can’t be returned to the wild. What purpose do these animals have other than being eaten? I’m definitely against unnecessary cruelty. Chickens should roam free in fields bespeckled with wildflowers. Seriously. They should. Cows should wander the countryside, chewing their cud in peace and mooing with contentment. Seriously. But they wouldn’t survive in the wild. So, unfortunately, the only thing to do is eat them.

Thus my dilemma: I love animals. I feel guilty when I devour their poor little carcasses but I refuse to be a vegetarian. My solution to this problem is this:

I only eat ugly animals.

I stay away from adorable cows. Rabbit is obviously out of the question. I was born in the Year of the Hare and bun-bun feet are quite possibly the cutest things on earth. I’ll eat some pig on occasion but only rarely. Pigs are not only cute, but they’re smarter than dogs.

I will eat chicken. I think they should live a happy life but they kinda freak me out. They’re sorta creepy with their pointy little beaks. Shrimp, lobster, crab and scallops are totally edible. Off with the head of anything that walks sideways while blowing bubbles! Take that e e cummings!

I suggest that cuteitarians unite! Eating ugly animals will make you feel less guilty about the fate of our feathered friends. You’ll be able to gaze into the eyes of your loving cat without feeling the need to yell, “I’m sorry Elvis! I ate your cousin! Ok, so that chicken was a distant cousin, but still!” and then having a panic attack. 

Love and other Drugs

 Friday I’m in Love…

I love my boyfriend. He’s amazing. He’s the bee’s knees, the cat’s pajamas and the dog’s tuxedo. Before you puke up your low-cal latte, let me just say that it’s true. This isn’t some kind of love-induced haze of affection; he’s actually an incredible man. My mom loves him. So does my stepfather. He even gets along with my weird twin brother who says things like “you know that TV show that’s an hour, with that guy who used to be a vampire and his dad invented running shoes?” (For the record, he was talking about Kiefer Sutherland in 24 and, yes, that was my first guess. If that’s not crazy twin telepathy, I don’t know what is) But the point is that my wonderful boyfriend will gladly buy (probably illegal) fireworks with my brother and set them off in the backyard, much to the irritation of the neighbors. My boyfriend will also make me tea, rub my back as I fall asleep, call me pretty when I’m not wearing makeup, say it’s cute when I obsess over wanting a Pomeranian puppy, watch Jeopardy with me, and read this stupid blog every day. HE’S ALSO AMAZING IN BED. Jealous? You should be.

I lucked out with this one <3 <3 <3

Cats etc.

Excuse the photo-whoring but…

Here’s Mortimer! He’s evil but cute:

You’ve met Elvis:

Here’s my desk, also known as Le Frida Shrine. My cats often dismantle it:

Here’s the Halloween altar we made for Samhain. All the candles represent loved ones who have passed. Yes, there is one for my Frida:

 Here’s me, kinda, sorta:

Here’s some of my art. I’m not saying it’s good, but I think it’s cute:

The Beginnings of the Dreaded Christmas List...

           All I have to say is: goodbye Starbucks, hello Tassimo. With your little cups of goodness and your streamlined physique, able to be crammed in next to the fridge, you shall save me from my Starbucks addiction, oh wondrous Tassimo! 

           After much highly un-academic research, I’ve come to the conclusion that the Tassimo is superior to the Keurig because of the wider variety of drinks and brands associated with it. Basically, it makes Chai lattes. That’s all I need to know. Anyways, the Tassimo is now officially in second place on my Christmas list.

First place goes to the amazing Surrealist painting my stepfather painted this summer. It’s beautiful, full of vibrant oranges and blues. I’ve already cleared a space for it on my wall.

Here’s another one of his paintings. I succeeded in prying it from his steely grip earlier this year:

He’s definitely the artist in the family. I paint with acrylics and draw. My style is very basic and folk-arty. That's the kind of stuff I love, obviously. Mexican folk art is my favorite. 

Frida was also inspired by folk art. She was capable of drawing photo realistically, but purposefully chose a more primitive style. She often studied medical manuals and handbooks. I know this because I’m halfway through the Herrera biography. Frida even considered a career as a medical illustrator. It shows in her artwork, the fetuses and anatomical hearts. I, on the other hand, am not artistically equipped beyond the realm of primitive folk art. Perhaps I’ll post some photos if I feel particularly confident one day.

My Hopeless Starbucks Addiction

            It’s officially November, despite my pleading with the weather gods for it to be October all year round. The holidays are upon us! This means several things to me (mistletoe, anatomically correct gingerbread men, copious amounts of booze in the a.m.), but most importantly, it marks the beginning of my seasonal Starbucks addiction.

            I can resist the call of those sexy, caffeine-pushing mermaids in the summer. Mostly. Except for iced Chai lattes. BUT as soon as the holidays come around, those brilliant, coffee-swilling bastards bring out a rainbow of festive, candy-topped drinks. This is my downfall. Pumpkin spice lattes, salted caramel hot chocolate, crème brule lattes, gingerbread lattes, eggnog lattes…. *coffeegasm*

            I’d write more… but I have to go to Starbucks now.

            Damn it.

           

  

What's Your number???

I’ve come to a conclusion.

Numerology. Is. Awesome.

I was listening to an episode of the Paranormal Podcast (one of the best podcasts on iTunes) and the lovely guest was a numerologist. She was saying that numbers influence everything in our lives. Digits like your street number, phone number, and even your bank account numbers might be helping or hindering your progress on this big, blue planet of ours. Intriguing, no? I suggest you look up your life path number immediately.

Your life path number is very important because it represents the innate traits that will influence you throughout life. Think of it as a gauge of your talents, abilities, fears, and introversion/extraversion. Add up the numbers in your birthday, month and year. For example, mine’s 03/10/1987 and YES, that means I’m 23 and YES, that means I spend my time listening to new age podcasts instead of watching Jersey Shore. I never said I was normal. Soooo my life path number breaks down to:

3+ (1+0=1) + (1+9+8+7=25 and then 2+5 =7)

SOOOO 3+1+7= 11. My life path number is 11. This means that I’m very intuitive, intelligent, creative, inventive, extremely beautiful and good in bed… I may have exaggerated the last couple of things…but only slightly.  

*seductive wink*

   

Writing, writing, writing...

      
            In case I hadn't mentioned it, I'm trying to be a writer. That’s one of the reasons I started this blog, it forces me to write something new every day. But then I read a page of the Frida biography by Hayden Herrera and I think, "I shall never be that awesome!”

*sigh*

Here's a brief excerpt from her book in which she relates Alex’s story of the tragic bus accident that ruined Frida’s body:

Something strange had happened. Frida was totally nude. The collision had unfastened her clothes. Someone in the bus, probably a house painter, had been carrying a packet of powdered gold. This package broke, and the gold fell all over the bleeding body of Frida. When people saw her they cried, ‘la bailarina! La bailarina!’ With gold on her red, bloody body, they thought she was a dancer.

Yep. It’s THAT good. For your information, I spent the better part of yesterday writing an article titled “History of the Merkin.” If you don’t know what a merkin is, google it and then laugh at the ridiculousness that is my life.

HAPPY DAY OF THE DEAD (DIA DE LOS MUERTOS)!!!!

Those pictures are of beautiful shrines and altars built to honor my favorite girl, Frida of course, on this special occasion. In case you’ve never heard of this amazing celebration I’ll give you a brief description (compliments of Wikipedia):

Day of the Dead (Día de los Muertos) is a holiday celebrated by many in Mexico. Gatherings of family and friends pray for and remember their loved ones who have died. The celebration occurs on November 2 in connection with the Catholic holidays of All Saints' Day (November 1) and All Souls' Day (November 2). Traditions connected with the holiday include building private altars honoring the deceased using sugar skulls, marigolds, and the favorite foods and beverages of the departed and visiting graves with these as gifts. The Day of the Dead is a time of celebration, where partying is common. People go to cemeteries to be with the souls of the departed and build private altars containing the favorite foods and beverages as well as photos and memorabilia of the departed. The intent is to encourage visits by the souls, so that the souls will hear the prayers and the comments of the living directed to them. Celebrations can take a humorous tone, as celebrants remember funny events and anecdotes about the departed.

I have my Frida altar assembled and my candles lit. I plan on drinking a shot of tequila in her honor (booze lover that she was) and leaving one out as an offering. It’s the least I can do for the woman who has become my personal guru. Plus, Frida loved Day of the Dead. She was inspired by José Guadalupe Posada prints:

           Diego was influenced by Posada as well. He painted Posada, himself, and Frida into his mural “Dream of a Sunday in Alameda Park”:

            I love and respect the way Mexican culture views death. Mexicans live with death everyday. It’s not a taboo or a phobia. Death is embraced with a sense of humor. It’s affectionately mocked, like an old friend.  

Nobody embodies that spirit more than Frida. She lived her life with one foot on earth and one foot in the hereafter. She suffered polio, impalement in her tragic bus accident, 35 operations to correct her spine and alleviate her chronic pain, amputation, alcoholism and morphine addiction and yet she never lost her spirit, her charm, or her sex appeal. She may have been bedridden for many long weeks and months, but she kept living. She wore her beautiful Tehuana clothing. She put on her red lipstick. She spent hours on her hair. She put rings on every finger. More importantly, she continued to love voraciously. Most importantly, she painted.

So let’s all drink a shot of tequila for my Frida.

I love you amiga! Viva la vida!