CUTEITARIANISM!!!!!!

I was a vegetarian for a little over a year. My reasons for going veggie were numerous, but mostly it was because I have a great deal of love and empathy for animals. I was already avoiding products made by companies who used animal testing. I was well educated in the ways of PETA, with their lists of charities, companies, products, and foods that are cruelty-free. So, I embarked on a year of meatless eating. It went well, but I have to admit, I missed meat.

 I also grew up down the road from the middle of nowhere.  I lived out in the country, surrounded by farms. I had many friends whose parents made a living raising and butchering animals. I’m not like those big-city hipsters who have never been to an actual farm. I know where the little wrapped packages of supermarket meat come from. I’m also not an idealist. I generally hope for the best and plan for the worst. I figure idealism is for sheltered hippy-snobs who have never experienced the real world. You know, the world that isn’t financed by daddy’s credit cards. Plus, I didn’t want to be that pretentious asshole constantly saying “I don’t eat meat” and insisting on a vegetarian option at a steakhouse or a greasy spoon or my friend’s mom’s house.

My point is that, realistically, cows aren’t native to Canada. Chickens can’t be returned to the wild. What purpose do these animals have other than being eaten? I’m definitely against unnecessary cruelty. Chickens should roam free in fields bespeckled with wildflowers. Seriously. They should. Cows should wander the countryside, chewing their cud in peace and mooing with contentment. Seriously. But they wouldn’t survive in the wild. So, unfortunately, the only thing to do is eat them.

Thus my dilemma: I love animals. I feel guilty when I devour their poor little carcasses but I refuse to be a vegetarian. My solution to this problem is this:

I only eat ugly animals.

I stay away from adorable cows. Rabbit is obviously out of the question. I was born in the Year of the Hare and bun-bun feet are quite possibly the cutest things on earth. I’ll eat some pig on occasion but only rarely. Pigs are not only cute, but they’re smarter than dogs.

I will eat chicken. I think they should live a happy life but they kinda freak me out. They’re sorta creepy with their pointy little beaks. Shrimp, lobster, crab and scallops are totally edible. Off with the head of anything that walks sideways while blowing bubbles! Take that e e cummings!

I suggest that cuteitarians unite! Eating ugly animals will make you feel less guilty about the fate of our feathered friends. You’ll be able to gaze into the eyes of your loving cat without feeling the need to yell, “I’m sorry Elvis! I ate your cousin! Ok, so that chicken was a distant cousin, but still!” and then having a panic attack.