What's the Opposite of Bieber Fever?

Dear Justin Bieber,

Lately, you may have noticed that your body is going through some changes. There is hair where there was no hair before. Your voice is finally sounding like that of a man instead of a dying baby dolphin on helium. Congratulations. You have entered puberty. I’m here to help you. I’ll give you the answers that Rex, your roadie and ex-Hell’s Angel, just can’t provide. I’ll tell you the truth, unlike your agent, who’s really just a whoremonger of “cool.” He can’t pretend to care as well as I can.

Firstly, you’re not cool. Don’t take it personally. Nobody going through puberty is cool. It’s impossible. I say, embrace the awkwardness. Learn to love your gangly limbs and cracking voice. Let your freak flag fly. Do what other boys going through puberty do: get braces, embark on a futile quest to grow a mustache, pop some zits. You have my permission.

It must be exhausting to be cool all the time. Why don’t you take a day off and, I don’t know, try to touch a girl’s nipple or something. What about Selena Gomez? She has a cherubic face and a charming personality. I’m sure her nipples are lovely.