The Great Gaga-Swift Debacle

I think it’s fair to say that music lovers can be divided into Team Gaga and Team Swift. Not that they’re in direct competition, but there’s a huge division between them. The difference can only be described in an art metaphor: Lady Gaga is the Andy Warhol of music. Taylor Swift is the Frida Kahlo of music.

Gaga is good idea, in theory. She’s unique. She’s artistic. She’s avant-garde. She’s like Andy Warhol’s soup cans. You look at them and say to yourself, “Interesting. That’s a new concept.” But you don’t cry over it. You don’t feel an ache in your heart. It doesn’t remind you of the guy you loved in high school who didn’t love you back.

 It doesn’t remind you of ANYTHING. You look at that silkscreen soup can for all of 30 seconds and then go looking for some BRUSHSTROKES. You want to see a painting that has evidence of human connection. You want to see that little signature in the corner. You want something (music or art or whatever) that means something. You don’t listen to Gaga songs going, “P…p…p…poker face” and know what the fuck she’s talking about. It’s not like, “Oh, I see you’re ‘bluffin’ with your muffin.’ I know how that feels. My muff bluffs all the time.”

Not that she’s terrible, I love me some Gaga, but she’s just kind of an empty shell. She’s fun. But she’s unreliable. I can’t go to her with serious problems. I can’t seek out her wisdom when my boyfriend dumps me, or I loose my job, or somebody dies. All she has to offer me is advice like, “I want your leather studded kiss in the sand” or “I’m just stunnin’ with my love glue-gunnin’” and that really doesn’t help me.

Taylor Swift, despite the cheesy princess-themed music videos, has great advice. She’s like Frida Kahlo. All the love and pain and tears go right into her art. Did your boyfriend dump you? That’s ok, just call him up and scream “I’ll be shining like fireworks over your sad empty town” into the phone. If you need a good cry over your lost childhood and innocence, or a lost parent, try listening to “Never Grow Up.” If you don’t cry, you officially don’t have a soul. Know any teenage girls who need to realize that high school is nothing but the blink of an eye? Taylor will remind them that “in your life you'll do things greater than dating the boy of the football team.” She’s awesome. She’s helpful. She’s dorky. And I appreciate the dorkiness. It’s honest. It’s a hell of a lot more honest than a Kermit the Frog dress. Taylor Swift might not be the cutting-edge of cool, but she’s got integrity, and I respect that more than an outfit made of bacon. People are too preoccupied with whatever they’re told to think is “cool.” Cool is boring. Cool is fake. Besides, did high school teach you nothing? “Cool” is just another word for “asshole.” 

I should know. I’m the coolest person alive.