Why I Can't Watch the TV Show "Friends" in One Word

Nipples.

There. I said it.

The amount of nippleage on that show is crazy. I'm not complaining. It's not a bad thing. But it's horribly distracting. So distracting, in fact, that I'm pretty sure I could identify Jennifer Aniston by the nipples poking through her shirt.

I have a theory that the success of "Friends" is directly related to how pokey Jennifer Aniston's nipples are. I mean, obviously they had a costume designer. This costume designer clearly would have been like, "Um your nipples are showing through that shirt. Yep. Headlights are definitely on. Maybe a padded bra today?"

Maybe I'm just super pervy but I have a sneaking suspicion that I've stumbled upon a huge media conspiracy....

  

Reasons to NOT Have Kids

One reason for every year of my life in which having a baby has NEVER crossed my mind. I’m in a small but growing minority of women who are saying “NO!” to having babies. Our reasons are many and varied. Our biological clocks are broken and our sex lives are superb. I apologize in advance to any religious/conservative/sensitive mommies but as Voltaire says, “I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it.” As we all know, you can’t argue with Voltaire. Here are my own personal reasons:

Vaginas are for pleasure, not pain

I want my fiancé all to myself. I refuse to share him.

It’s MY life. I want to focus on ME. I refuse to give up the bulk of my life to care for someone else.

I do not want to dedicate years of my life to being wrist deep in human feces.

Most mothers probably haven’t done the research, but it costs 1 million dollars to raise a kid from birth to 18 (if you plan on sending your kid to college) Ballet lessons NOT included.

Sex is one of my favourite hobbies. I refuse to have quiet “don’t want the kids to hear us” sex for the rest of my youth. Screaming orgasms it is!!!

I love myself. I’m completely fulfilled as a person. I do not have an empty space in my heart. And I'll suggest that having a baby to fill that space is probably not good idea.

I know with absolute certainty that I was NOT put on this earth to be a mother. In fact, I think most women fit into that category. True mothers are few and far between. Why do you think people are so messed up?

I like reading magazines on lazy Sunday afternoons. I like watching movies, reading books, and drawing. You know, FREE TIME.

I do not want to censor myself. I like to use colourful words like “f*ck” and especially “c*nt” and my fiancé will tell you that I talk about sex so often and explicitly it often becomes annoying to him. The day I utter the word “darn” is the day I kill myself.

I don’t like people. I especially don’t like people I can’t have intellectual conversations with.

If I did have a kid, I’d enforce a strict “no Barbie” feminist upbringing complete with veganism and trips to every art museum in the western hemisphere. Therefore, ensuring that my kid grows up to resent me and becomes a banker or a soccer mom or some other heinous thing like that.

Cats are so much better.

I like pretty things. Expensive, pretty things are incompatible with grubby little booger fingers.

I want to see the world. And if you tell me the world is in your babies eyes I’m gonna laugh in your face and then hurl. I want to see the REAL world.

Having a baby is complete narcissism. People think, “I’m so amazing, the world simply must have another one of me” and this is incorrect. You are not amazing. The last thing the world needs is another one of you. I, for example, love me but I wouldn’t wish me on my worst enemy.

Vaginal stretching/ripping/tearing. Enough said?

I love my relationship. I take my relationship with my man very seriously. Having a baby puts a tremendous strain on your relationship and changes the dynamic of a couple forever.

Strollers aren’t sexy. Lingerie is.

I don’t want to have to hide my sex toys, porn, kinky lingerie, etc.

I like alcohol. A lot. I’m not a partier but a bottle of wine with my fiancé on a Friday night is heaven. Alcohol and child rearing generally don’t mix well.

Why would you have kids!? Seriously? If you need something to love that desperately I suggest you see a therapist.

I don’t believe in “accidents.” I believe in abortion.

There you have it, my personal reasons to avoid the plague that is children. Just thinking about the decades of hot sex and solitude gives me the warm fuzzies.

   

MY TRIUMPHANT AND GLORIOUS RETURN!!!

Happy New Year! I’ve been ignoring my lovely blog (and all my tens of readers) since pre-Christmas. I hate January but I’m glad we’ve all made it through the saddest day of the year (January 17) and now Valentine’s Day is just around the frigid, snowy corner.

Now for some self-indulgent updates on my life: Just before Christmas, I made my pilgrimage to Frida, visiting her at MOMA in New York City. Despite the fact that MOMA rearranged the whole collection and shoved my beloved Miss Kahlo into a corner (and removed Diego’s paintings all together), it was an amazing trip. My boyfriend proposed to me in the quiet corner where one can now find “Fulang Chang and I” and “Self Portrait with Cropped Hair.” He kindly shared his proposal with Frida Kahlo. It was nice to have her there. She is, after all, the other love of my life.

Xoxo to my fiancé

Xoxo to Frida

Xoxo to my readers

   

I am Officially Justin Bieber's Love Guru!!!

If you'll kindly think back a few weeks, you'll remember my Justin Bieber post, in which I told Justin he should stop trying to be cool and just do what normal kids his age do... then I suggested he try to touch a girl's nipple. Not just any girl though. I told him to touch.............wait for it............Selena Gomez's nipple! AND it appears he's taken my advice because the two of them have been spotted everywhere holding hands and being cuddly! *cue millions of little girl hearts breaking*

Don't thank me or anything Justin.....

IN OTHER NEWS

I leave for NYC in less than 24 hours! I am making a pilgrimage to the Museum of Modern Art to spend some time with Frida Kahlo. I haven't talked about her in a few weeks due to Christmas craziness and such but, trust me, my love for her has only grown stronger. SO, I'l be away for a bit and probably won't post anything for a weekish.

Merry Christmas, or as Frida would say, Feliz Navidad!

My Christmas Gift to You (Happy Holidays)!

 

Is there anything better than celebs in tacky Christmas outfits? 

Yes, Taylor Hanson IS still a celebrity to me. He's also a stone cold fox, even in that ugly vest *sigh*

I'm not a Mariah fan, but she's preggers and that's adorable :-)

Even the Lord of the Douches celebrates Christmas. Dear John Mayer, all I want for christmas is for you start respecting women and stop tweeting about their vaginas.

Paul Rudd would make a sexy Rockette..... *inappropriate daydreams*

If you're not in the holiday spirit now, you better drink some rum because Christmas is only 5 days away!!!

Definitely NOT Christmas Movies

Not feeling the Christmas vibe this year? No festive spirit? I felt that way last year. Sometimes you're just not in the mood for celebrating. Sometimes the feeling that yet another year has passed and you STILL haven’t accomplished ANYTHING makes you want to cry. SO if you won’t be "laughing all the way" Jingle Bells style this year, here are some movies to watch. They have absolutely nothing to do with Christmas. Hopefully, they’ll cheer you up a little too:

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

If you’re bummed about the whole “love” thing, give this movie a chance. It’s interesting and complicated enough to keep you from thinking about your problems. The ending will make you feel positive about your past relationships. It will make you feel united with humanity and hopeful about love.

Ask yourself this question: If you could have someone erased from your memory, would you do it?

Shawshank Redemption

Feel like life has taken a giant dump on you this year? Your situation can’t be as bad as Tim Robbin’s character’s situation in this movie. Learn some perseverance. This movie will make you feel motivated again!

Ask yourself this question: if you were wrongfully sentenced to life in prison, what would you do with your time behind bars?

High Fidelity

Ah life, you saucy little bitch! It’s never what we plan. It’s never what you think it will be. Disillusioned? The big plan didn’t work out? It’s ok. If there’s one thing John Cusack teaches us, it’s that sometimes shit works out.

Ask yourself this question: What’s your top five? 

Almost Famous

Feel like a dork? Are you a small fish in a big pond? Watch as someone else goes through it, but with uber cool rock stars judging him instead of office drones or classmates. Learn the value of your dorkiness. Learn that sometimes to be cool you have to sacrifice your soul.

Ask yourself this question: if you had to write an article for Rolling Stone, who would you go on tour with and would you make them look cool?

Amelie

Lonely? Feel like maybe there isn’t somebody out there for everybody? Amelie is whimsical and funny with some bite. Plus, reading subtitles will distract your mind from problems. This film will teach you about small acts of kindness. It will also make you realize how intricately your life is woven with the lives of total strangers.

Ask yourself this question: who’s life could you improve? Your barista at the café? The waitress? The homeless guy on the corner? 

Christmas Songs that Aren't Annoying!!!

I'm continuing the Christmas theme I've had going lately. Only 11 more days!

“Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)”

I like the Death Cab for Cutie version. It’s a mellow version, more melancholy and less hyperactive. The Mariah Carey take on this song is probably the most popular. It’s a little too happy for me…

Best Lyric: Pretty lights on the tree, I’m watching them shine. You should be here with me. Baby please come home.

“The River”

Joni Mitchell is a goddess. This song is a classic any time of the year. It’s a melancholy, wistful song. Who hasn’t wished there was a river they could skate away on? Especially this time of year. Christmas isn’t happy for everyone and this song will help you make it through.

Best Lyric: I'm going to make a lot of money, then I'm going to quit this crazy scene.

“Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas”

Listen to the Judy Garland version. ONLY the Judy Garland version. She has the superhuman ability to sound both strong and fragile when she sings. Listen to the lyrics and you’ll find this isn’t a happy song. It’s a song about getting through a hard time and looking forward to future happiness.

Best Lyric: Through the year we all will be together, if the Fates allow.

All these songs are complex. They’re lyrically interesting, at least more so than “Jingle Bells.” Emotionally they’re not your typical sugar encrusted carols. It’s hard to sustain a delusional sugar high for the whole of the Christmas season. It’s ok to want to choke someone with a candy cane. Please refrain from doing so, but it’s ok to FEEL like it. So have fun listening to Christmas songs about real people, dealing with real emotions.